Single Men: Yo!!
I can't TELL you how many times I have dated someone I thought was a decent guy and been totally grossed out by his living standards.
Some questions I have asked myself on dates over the past 20 or so years:
> If you don't have any furniture, where am I supposed to sit? Or is that a ploy to get women into the bedroom, to the one flat surface in the whole place? Lame.
> Eau de Frat House is one of the most depressing smells on earth. I was already in college. I don't want to go back there. Nor do I want to be reminded, as I sit chatting with you, of all the babysitting gigs I had in 8th grade and all the elementary school boys I cared for on those nights whose bedrooms smelled exactly like your entire apartment.
> If you can't pick up your own dirty (and clean) laundry that you've flung all over your dwelling place, does that mean you'll expect me to do it if we should ever decide to co-habitate?
> Your filth-encrusted bath mat : is one supposed to shower oneself clean and then actually step on that? How about the lack of soap at the sink, and towel? I think I just figured out something about your personal hygiene, and I'll be saying "night-night" now! Thanks for a lovely evening!
> When you're over-40, we should be seeing something in your fridge besides beer and milk for cereal. Nothing screams, "I can't nurture myself" like a kitchen full of disposable dishes and utensils, mismatched plastic mugs and a pantry full of canned food dating from the Carter Administration.
> Dear guy on Match.com who has the stuffed animal collection on the couch behind him: that is so so creepy. Please believe me when I tell you: that is so creepy. Ditto, 50-year old single male friend with "Star Wars" pillowcases. It's not ironically hip and youthful, and I don't care if you got them for fifty cents on sale. It's creepy. Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi.
> Dude whose tiny condo I could barely walk through because of the extreme filth and mess caused by your "home improvement" projects, I commend your efforts! You're a cool DIY type!
However, when you told me that you had been working on the dining room for about two years, I saw my future if I got involved with you, and in my mind, I backed slowly out of the room. A little bit of chaos, fine. Eternal chaos at home because of your perfectionism and inability to complete a project: not okay.
> Men: frugality is admirable. Living amidst broken, rusting, rotting, crumbling items is not a testament to frugality, independence of spirit, individuality or "character." Is is testament to your total inability or lack of desire to create a home in the truest sense of the word, which is a place not just for the harboring of you and your secret, unconscious desire to be alone forever (!), but a place of hospitality and welcome, of beauty and comfort.
A hot tip for hetero single guys from the perennially single PeaceBang: you know how you guys always say in your Match.com ads that you want a woman who "takes care of herself," and that's a euphemism for "should have a hot bod?" Well, when we say we want a man who isn't a slob, we don't just mean that you should clean your ears, wash your socks and use mouthwash occasionally. We're talking about your home, too.
Some of us don't care so much if you don't make much money, or if you live with family or roommates or if you don't have a nice car or if you aren't the best dresser or if you don't pay for dinner. Those things don't reveal anything particularly disturbing or upsetting. Living in a borderline or downright disgusting home... that's disturbing.