I finished reading The State Boys' Rebellion tonight at dinner and then drove to see Freddie in the nursing home. He was really lucid for awhile and was just as lovely and gracious as can be. He gave me two cute stuffed puppies from his carnival concession: prizes he won't be able to use now since he'll never be back on the circuit again.

I am so sad sad sad sad sad.

Fred had the worst childhood I have ever heard of. Oliver Twist had nothing on this guy. I look at his sweet face and I believe deep in my heart that his death will be his release into a bliss and peace beyond comprehending. I just know that God will make this right. I believe it, even though I have no idea how that happens. I believe it, yet I want so much to give him another lifetime to make up for the outrageous assaults and cruelty of this one. When a man says, "Feeding us radioactive oatmeal was the least of it!" it's evidence of a really really bad life.

Please God, just let him not be afraid and not suffer.