Thursday, March 30, 2006

Horrible Clothes This Season

I went to the mall (the maul) tonight to scout some clothes and was amazed at how ugly everything was. Macy's: ugly. Lord & Taylor: ugly. Lane Bryant: ugly.
Not just ugly, depressing. The colors for spring seem to be something I would call Vomitous Autumnal Hues. It's even worse than two years ago's lime green trend.

There are these hideous capri pants everywhere, just the right length for oompa-loompas, and something they're calling GAUCHOS. This caused me great consternation as I recalled the last time gauchos came around it was the 70's and they even made my little sixth grade self look like something that could set sail with one stiff wind. Nowadays gauchos are short pants that flare mid-calf. They're rather entertaining, but I'm not sure that entertaining is a quality I seek in a pair of trousers.

Then there's this third offensive trend that I am calling Brokeback Mountain Girl, which features frilly shirts and vaguely cowboy-esque vests and lots and lots of lace. Lace on skirts, lace on t-shirts, lace on jeans. This stuff looked okay during the "Urban Cowboy" phase when we were young and dewy and looked like Debra Winger. Now we're old and tired and fat, and even though we love our cowboy boots, the bustiers just make us look like Miss Kitty wandered into the church office.

To the fashion designers out there, let me whisper this in your ear: Excuse me, sirs and madames. There is an obesity epidemic in this country, in case you hadn't heard. You could be helping motivate us to lose weight by designing items that are actually flattering, like well-tailored trousers and elegant blouses and smart blazers with defined waists. Would a modest sleeve be too much to ask? Something that isn't ruched and tied, for the love of Diana Vreeland?

I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow morning, as I feel lately as though I've been hit hard with the ugly stick.


Blogger LaReinaCobre said...

I haven't seen the vomitous autumnal hues just yet. Is this the faded and slightly grimy looking pastel?

Blogger Jess said...

I hear you regarding the ugly stick - I currently hate my face, my hair and all my clothes.

Tomorrow is shopping day for the entire family (*gulp*) and I hope against hope to find a pair of jeans that don't cut me in half but don't fall down, either. And then I will buy three pairs of them.

Gauchos are horrid. Especially when people wear them with knee-high boots, ichhhhhk.

Blogger PeaceBang said...

Hafhida Sofia, they're not even grimy pastel (although some of them right,and you've nailed it perfectly). They're downright autumnal: chocolate and rusty browns, deep purples and reds. And can I just complain that the PETER PAN COLLAR is back? Very big on kind of military-esque jackets. Hardly flattering on anyone, and then the other blazers are all cropped to just under the bosom, for heaven's sake.

And sequins on everything! Why the sequins? Who do they think they're dressing? Vegas cocktail waitresses? Dolly Parton wanna-be's? This is NEW ENGLAND. We don't wear sequins on our t-shirts. But it's not like I want to wind up in TALBOT's Nightmare Prep Look either.

Good thing I have some good basics that fit okay from the last few years. I think this is just a disastrous season.

Blogger LaReinaCobre said...

LOL - I like autumn colors! But I'm not sure how that's the new look for spring? Hmm. Confusing. I have been a little gobsmacked by the explosion of sequins, too, but I am just ignoring them. I don't spend enough money on clothes to reoutfit myself every year. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've bought clothes WHEN they were in season. Sales racks only please! I will be happy when I can just fit into the same cute skirts and tops I was wearing last spring and summer.

If I want to update my look, I'll just buy new shoes.

Blogger Jess said...

Ugh, back from shopping, and ugh. Sequins everywhere, yes, and just weird colors and patterns. I like the new style of the fancy pattern skirts, but there aren't any tops to go with them!

Though I did find jeans that fit, it was quite the issue to find them in a non-acid treated, hand sanded, almost got holes in 'em look like they had mud ground into the fibers treatment.

I'm getting to that point where the things I've been wearing since college either just don't fit or are falling apart.

I choose to blame this phenomenon on the laundry mat uber-dryers and not on my second baby - who is now 5 - or the exactly zero hours I have available for excercise. :)

I hate shopping.


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