Ermengarde rushes to the window and starts screaming bloody murder, hissing and smacking the screen with her paw. Brinks looks mildly confused, meows loudly and keeps patting at the screen with his big, dumb paw.
I run over and yell at Ermie to stop it! stop it! Because I'm afraid one of them will actually smash through the screen window and kill each other. More specifically, I'm afraid that Ermengarde will get killed because her first human DE-CLAWED her.
So I'm screaming at her and trying to get her away from the window and she is YOWLING so loud it makes my hair stand on end, and I'm screaming at dumb Brinks to GO AWAY GO HOME! And Erm is kicking at me and howling and her tail is the size of a horse's. In fact, she's so puffed up she looks like a raccoon.
So we're SCREAMING at each other and she's kicked a big bloody tear into my hand, and I'm bleeding and finally scream her down onto the floor away from the window. Brinks is long gone and she's still raging and hissing at me and I'm going, "Don't you DARE talk to me like that! Don't you DARE!!" -- using all three of her formal names. Her eyes are enormous saucers and she's totally possessed, and I can see the surprise in her eyes that Human Lady can get this loud, since she's never ever heard me scream like this.
I get her into the middle of the room and she is still growling and hissing at me, only with a bit less gusto. She runs up to me and smacks me with her paw -- twice -- but the second time she does it I give her a swat on the behind as she runs by. "Oh NO you don't, young lady!"
It is a total stand-off, and I am hoarse with screaming at her. I have never in my life yelled like this. I'm hollering, "You are such an IDIOT! I am trying to keep you from getting KILLED! Brinks is DUMB AND HARMLESS! You are RIDICULOUS! NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT YOU OR ME!"
Finally, after she tries to whap me one more time and doesn't make it, and after I clean my wound and put Neosporin on it, we settle down. Her tail slowly de-puffs and I watch the rest of the movie, and every time I talk to her I use a low, "Mommy's Still Mad At You, Missy" voice. She is very nonchalant and doesn't climb into bed with me at midnight like she always does, although she does do a quick drive-by check-in at about 1:00 a.m., but real quiet like she doesn't want me to know she's doing it. She does a tour around my body and sniffs my hair and then goes to spend the rest of the night on the parlor couch.
In the morning she's curled up by my head, as always, and kisses me good morning like nothing happened. Which for her, it probably hasn't. I don't think cats have a very long-term memory, but I could be wrong.
I keep showing her my wound today. "SEE? THAT's what you did! And who gives you kibble and brushes you and scoops your litter and loves you and pays for all your clothes and takes you on nice vacations and saves for your college fund?"
So, Cat People, what do I do, short of keeping the windows shut against the cool breezes of a New England summer evening or asking my neighbors to keep Brinks behind an Invisible Fence (which they'll never do, even though they have buckets and buckets of money and live in a semi-palatial estate with a tennis court and swimming pool)?
How do I get her off the window ledge and out of sight of intruders without turning her against me? Should I have gotten out the spray bottle of water and hit both her and Brinks? That was an initial thought but I was scared to leave them alone.
Brinks, btw, is a boy and Erm is a spayed female. She isn't giving off girl smells or anything.
Someone very beautiful and striped is asleep next to me as I write this and would love to know what you think. She would also like to share that, in her memory of the event, she totally kicked my ass and even managed to out-scream me in the volume contest.